Bloggers Vs. Everyone Else

Hello everyone,

We have 2 more days til the weekend. I am soooo excited. The summer is here and I am determine to have a new outlook on life. But like the old saying goes, "Take 2 steps forward, get knocked 4 steps back". (at least I think that's an old saying. I can't be sure. It sounds like an old saying....hmmmm, I wonder) From this day on, I am not going to let nobody steal my strive for happiness.

I'm sure that most of the people that are reading my blog enjoy to blog themselves, or at the very least, interested in some way, shape or form in blogs. I know for myself, before I started to blog, I read other peoples' blog. Rather it was a really good read, or if I just wanted to get some ideas on how to start my blog, I often found myself on my computer all hours of the day and night reading peoples' blog. So, after I seen a variety of blogs, I finally started my own, and I opted to put my email address down, so if any one had any questions for me, they could ask. But today, I received this email....

start email

from Rock D. Howsa to shestandsalone@gmail.com date Wed, Jun 23, 2010 at 1:47 PM subject your site & blog stuff mailed-by yahoo.com signed-by yahoo.com

hide details 1:47 PM (6 hours ago)

How does someone get so lonely that they end up relating to "virtual" people? Wow...thats sad.

end email

What at first took me for a loop is when he said "that's sad". To me, the problem with the world today is that certain people feel that anyone who voices their problems is consider to be "sad". I wasn't going to share this email with anyone, because I did not want to let everyone know that someone out there felt compelled enough to send me an email because they thought I was "sad and lonely" because of the fact that I enjoyed to blog about my problems. Then, I realized that everyone is not small minded, and understands that most (hopefully most) people like to vent to cope with stuff. And to me, blogging is not even about venting. Its a way to express yourself, no matter what frame your mind is in . I think that the people who read my blogs are people just like me. A person who passion is writing and wants to share their thoughts and feelings with the world. And to me, when I'm blogging, such as I am right now, I do not feel like I'm talking to "virtual people". I feel like I am talking to people, just like me, who care and understand what I'm going though.


Like I stated before, I'm going to start to look at the bright side of things. I am starting to get people to dislike my blogs too. Whooo hooo. Hey, even the mega super stars have people who do not like them. (Does this mean I'm on my way up... here's hoping!!! ) And, I am not going to worry about somebody who just offended a enormous group of people with his email. But at least he gave me another reason to write. So, thank you Mr. Rock D Howsa!!!! I really appreciate you giving me material tonight.

Father's Day

I have been sitting here for the last hour, trying to figure out what to write. I changed my background, and have created some pages, one of them being a "short story" tab. For the past few weeks, I've had this story in my head that I am eager to get down on paper, which is why I created a tab labeled short stories. I am extremely excited to start to write fictionally.



I have been wanting to write in my blog more, however, I guess that past few blogs that I posted was perceived as depressing, and as a resulted in what I wrote in my blog, I ended up consoling others because of their reaction..... to my blog. The whole purpose of this blog was to vent and express my deepest feelings without worrying about how my words made others feel. However, I am beginning to feel "cautious" in regards to the words I right because I don't want to "hurt anyone feeling".So, instead of making this blog "moot", I am just going to expand and relinquish my feelings fictionally.


I'm just writing until I can figure out how to get rid of this writing's block that I am currently experiencing. I guess that since in 12 hours, my "Monday" will officially start, my mind refuses to work until it absolutely has to. I am trying to be more grateful that I have a job, especially in this economy, however, certain people there just makes it so hard, that I am starting to resent them. Which I know is not healthy for me.

I guess that it has been awhile since I'd written. Once again, nothing has happened to prevent me from writing. I wish I can say that the reason its been so long since I'd written is because I met my Prince Charming, moved to Paris, birthed 2.5 kids while finding the perfect puppy who ran around the perfect yard. (I know it's been only a few weeks, but I guess that my mind is an over achiever when it comes to fantasies)

I am trying to be more positive in all aspects of life. I'm just tired of feeling tired and sorry for myself. Its really a depressing feeling. Today, being Father's Day was an especially hard day for me. After having a strong urge to go to church all week, I woke up early to do just that. However, I didn't realize how hard it would be. There was a point in the service where the Pastor asked for all Fathers to stand up, and seeing all those proud men stand up made the fact that my dad has past on unbearable. However, I know if he were alive today, he would have stood up proudly for me and my brothers.
In retrospect, the past few years have been a total disappointment to me, and I decided right than and there that from this moment on, I will make my parents proud. Even though I know that both my parents will always stand up for me because they're my parents, from this day on, I am going to strive to make them stand up for me because of something that I accomplished that they will be proud of. And even though my father will never be on this earth again, I know that he is looking over me smiling, trying to get me to see that everything will be OK. Now, my goal in life is to make sure that my mother, who I am blessed enough to still have in my life, stand up for me, not because she's my mother, but because I will accomplish something in life that is beyond the norm. I want to do something spectacular

So Tired of Playing the Role that Other's Want me To Play

I am the oldest child with two little brothers, so I guess in my mind, I feel like I was programmed to be "put on the back burner". Don't get me wrong, because I was blessed with two people who were as close to being the perfect parents as can be. We always took family trips. I can proudly say that I've seen the Grand Canyon, the Painted Desert and other historic landmarks that some people only dream to see, and those memories will always hold a special place in my heart and soul.


Growing up, I always craved a sister, and I often asked God why he didn't bless me with a friend for life.... a confidant. Even today, I sometimes look at women who have sisters, and feel one of the 7 deadly sins... Envy. "Why are they lucky enough to have a sister? I often find myself asking. These past couple months have been really bad for me, and I have tried calling a few people to vent to. To express my feeling to. But, as usual, they're all busy with their own lives. Not that I blame them. But its really sad and trifling to me that I can be there for everyone else, and on the rare occurrence that I need somebody to be there for me, just for a moment, I can't find anybody. I just wish I had someone to give me a hug and say that everything will be OK and really mean it without speaking rhetorically. But, I can't find not one person. So, I guess I can vent and let out all my frustration out on this blog. But, I still can't release fully because I've done something that I don't want to put in black and white. A few of my family and friends do read my blog (at least they claim to), and I am afraid that if I write what I'm really feeling, I would be judged. And it's not like I can tell my side of the story, because it seems, especially this past week, that nobody has time to listen to me. So, once again, I am holding back.



It seems like with my family and friends, I am the one that they come to for advice. You can't imagine how many times I have put my life on hold to help somebody else with their crisis. I have gotten calls when I was at work from friends crying, begging for a moment of my time so I can make them feel better. I have canceled dates in order to go to a friend in need. Now, that I'm in need, it seems like I'm put on the back burner. I have so much pain in my heart, and every time I am ready to let it out, I get told that I will get called back or when I start to confess and try to talk about what I'm going through, the subject somehow changes into something about them, or even worst, something trivial.



I don't know why I allow it. Maybe its because I feel like I'm not that important to someone unless I'm helping them out. Like my problems are mundane in aspect to theirs. I remember growing up, I used to crave attention. My parents, God Bless them, have always showed me love, but there were some times my feelings were put on hold in order for my parents to focus their energy on my little brothers. When we were younger, my parents were involved in our activities, especially when it came to my brothers.
I remember when I was younger, I was in Girl Scouts. One of my fondest memories was when my father escorted me on a whale watching trip. It was wonderful being with my father, just him and I. I loved basking in the fact that for one moment, I was #1 to someone. I wasn't put on hold. I wasn't told to wait or to come back later when they had time for me. For once, it wasn't about the needs of my little brothers, or calling clients back from work. For those few hours, I was special enough for somebody to focus on me. That was a wonderful yet shockingly rare experience.



As I stated before, my brothers are natural born athletics, and when we was growing up, my parents involved them in all types of sports. From basketball to baseball, my brothers were know in our city as the "athletic boys". My father was the coach for my brothers, so he was very involved in their lives. My mother used to always go to their games and cheer them on. Its funny now. I was so jealous of my brothers and how my parents use to go to every single game they had, that I joined up for softball. Now, if you don't know me, you can't imagine how funny it is that I joined a softball team. I am the poster child for being a "girly girl. I mean, I didn't even want to wear a baseball glove for fear that it would mess up my nails (I'm not even close to kidding). I was on the softball team for only 1 season, and I only hit 5 balls. Ok, I'm lying big time. I only hit 2 balls. Ok, lying again. I think that I only hit one ball, and it was a bunt.. (I think thats what you call it. I can't be sure) Yes, I was that bad. And, the only reason I made the team was because it was a softball team for the park, and everyone who tried out made the team. But, I was so bad, that every time I went up to bat, I would hear groins and mumblings from the audience.. An audience full of parents!!! But, despite all that, I still tried and endure that season of pure torture because I wanted some attention from my parents. But, that ended up backfiring because it turned out that since my brothers played baseball for the same park, our games often were schedule at the same time on the same day. So, of course my parents opted to go to my brothers game instead of watching me ride the bench. Back than, that broke my heart. Now, I can understand... But it still stings.



I know some of you reading this will think that I'm selfish, and want all the focus on me. And, if you know me, I know that you know how untrue that is. It seems, especially lately, I am put on the back burner. And, every single time I try to explain to someone how I feel, I'm not taken seriously. So, instead of crying about it, I bottle all these feelings up and keep on living each day. I put a smile on my face, and tell everyone who cares enough to ask that everything is fine. Because, if I do tell them what is really going on, they don't listen. So I figure, why waste my time and energy, only to get my feelings hurt again.



When is it going to be my time for someone to listen? If I am a friend enough to stop what I'm doing, NO MATTER WHAT TIME IT IS, how come for those same people, I am not shown the same respect and loyalty. Maybe these people are more important to me than I am to them. It would be different if these were isolated situations. But every single time?



Even when it comes to relationships. I just give and give and give. Its like I give 98% and only receive 2%. ... If I'm lucky. But relationships are the furthest thing from my mind at the moment. I just want a friend who will treat me the same when it comes to the bad stuff as I do them. Because to me, the true testament of a friend is someone who will be there for the good.....AND THE BAD.



But I guess I can't blame anyone but myself. For as long as I can remember, I have always tried to put on an "happy face" even when there is turmoil going on around me.


Its not that I don't have friends, because I do. But, I guess I shouldn't say that. If I did have a true friend right now, I would be able to talk to them about my problems, instead of blogging on a fickle computer, hoping that someone out there in cyberspace can empathize and sympathize with my situation without interrupting me to tell me about something trivial, because they feel what I am talking about is too serious, and "she never gets serious. She is the friend that we come to for problems."



I guess on some level, I'm not surprise. Just goes with the theme of my life. Growing up, my parent were pared up, along with my two youngest brothers, and even though this may not be true, I feel like I was always the one by myself, so I tried to keep everything bottled in. Now, this horrible and unhealthy habit has found itself to my adult life. Now, I feel like all this unreleased pressure is building up inside me.



Let me stop. I know that people don't like to read about somebody's else bad news. But, I just needed to vent. Especially since the 5 people that I attempted to talk to today all blew me off.



I just wished I can go back in time where I was with my dad on the whale watching trip. For one moment, and the only time in my life that I can remember, I was #1. And, that moment was beautiful.

Yes, This Is My Life~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had no idea I let this much time go past since I'd written. Sadly to report, nothing new has changed in my life. I still hate my job, and I am still searching for something better. I'm still lonely. I'm still financially strapped. But, I am still trying to stay positive.

I don't know why I haven't written in so long. I guess time really does fly. Its not like I've been busy. Just doing my auto-pilot daily routine. As a matter of fact, why don't you take a few moments and go through what a regular day is like for me.

6:45am-Cell phone alarm goes off. Hit the snooze button on my touch screen phone. Touch screen is not working. Stupid phone freezes up. Turn on my lamp on my night stand so I can take out the battery in my phone to restart it. Need to make sure that the snooze button is on.

6:53am-Finally get my phone to act right. Confirm that my snooze is still set.

6:55am-Cell phone alarm goes off.


7:03am-Turn on the news to watch more depressing world issues. Get in the shower.


7:15am-In front of the mirror, trying to figure out what to do with this "mop" that is on top of my head. Contemplating if I should just shave it and not care anymore.



7:16am-Laugh at myself because I know I'm too vain to ever shave my head.



7:45-Finally manage to do something with this mop to resemble a hair style. Hop into my outfit for the day.



8:00am-Do my makeup while drinking my morning coffee.




8:15am-Finished with getting ready. Now, I look at the clock. I do not leave until 8:30am. I timed my route just right to make it in time for work.





8:28am:still waiting




8:30am: Get in my car. Start to drive to work.



8:42am: Just gave some an old lady the finger because she cut me off. I have really bad road rage. "Where did this traffic come from?"




8:47am: Feel bad because I flipped off the old lady.

8:49am: See the old lady again and she cuts me off...... AGAIN!! She must not have seen me the first time. Made sure she saw me the second.




8:55am-Drive up to my job and try to parallel park. Finally do. I think about the day I am going to have. 1 tear slowly falls down my cheek.

8:56am-I get out of my car. I don't have time to lock my door before a resident comes up to me to put in a work order that they feel like is an emergency. Resident tells me that they lost a single blind in their living room. Demands that a maintenance worker goes to their apartment ASAP.

9:00am-Finally get in the office. Look at my desk. Seems like overnight, my inbox tripled in size


9:05am-Send out our vacancies report via text message to my two owners and manager. I do not get reimburse for this.


9:10am-Get an angry phone call from a resident whose apartment got broken into the night before. Manager is not in. Since I'm the assistant manger, I try to take the call.


9:12am- Angry resident doesn't want to talk to me. Angry resident wants to talk to someone "who can help her". According to her, I am not qualified to help her. Ask her if she filed a police report. She says no. She wants to know how to do that.

9:22am-Get another phone call from another resident. They're upset because their car got broken into.



10:05am-Get a call from a resident who says that her neighbor is snoring too loudly, and she cannot hear her favorite show, The View. Demands that I have them stop.



10:10-Somebody comes in looking for a 3 bedroom apartment. "Sorry" we tell her. Our largest apartment is a 2 bedroom. She tells us that we're no help to her, and storms off.



10:15am-Get a call from someone who wants to know if we accept Section 8. We do not. She wants to know who does. Spend about 10 minutes on the phone with her, trying to explain to her why we don't accept Section 8 vouchers.



10:22am-My manager comes in. Wants me to fax something for him. He passes the fax machine, and waits for me to finish up with my 3 phone calls. He gives me the rebate form request to fax for him... For his new personal laptop. While I'm faxing "his personal documents" he reminds me of the report that is due at 10:30am. "Its already on your desk" I tell him. I inwardly enjoy that he has nothing to say about that.



10:35am-Hear my manager take credit for the report that I did. I should be use to this by now, but it still surprises me.



11:00am- I have 5 move outs. I have to go inspect the units, and do my reports.


11:10am-Get a call from my manager on my cell while I'm inspecting units. He needs for me to come to the office ASAP. I stop what I'm doing and immediately go see what he needs.
He wants me to check the fax machine to see if a certain company "responded" to his "rebate" question for his personal computer. I check the fax machine, while wondering why he didn't ask the 3 other people who are in the office to check the fax machine, since they were not doing nothing.



11:15am-Go back out to inspect the units. I get stopped in the hall by a resident. He wants to put in a work order. I tell him that if he goes to the office, he can put it in there with the leasing agents. I also tell him that the maintenance supervisor is in the office as well. The resident tells me that he doesn't want to go to the office. According to him, he hates my manager, and doesn't want to have to deal with him.



11:22am- I go to the office to put in the work order for the resident. I get stop by the manager. He wants me to goggle the number to the corporate office where he got his "personal computer". He needs me to "google" the number ASAP because he waited to long, and today is the last day to request his rebate.



11:25am-Get a call from our corporate office. They need my move out reports. I tell my manager, hoping he will take up some of the slack, and "google" himself, especially since I'm stopping my work to be his personal assistant. He tells me that he needs the number to the corporate office where he got his personal computer ASAP. He then reminds me that he's my manager, and I work for him.. Not our corporate office. I guess his personal issue trumps my reports.



11:35-Go back to inspect the units but I get stop by another resident. Another noise complaint. I go talk to the people who think that they can blast their enormous surround sound stereo system before noon.


Noon-Finally get done with my inspections. Send the reports to the corporate office via email.



12:02pm- Manager calls me into his office. He wants me to talk to the leasing agents. He thinks they're talking about him. He wants me to find out why.


12:10pm-Talk to the leasing agents. They look at me like I'm crazy


12:20pm-Go talk to my manager. As I'm talking to him his cell rings. He answers without saying excuse me. Demands that I leave and close the door. I over hear him say "What's up Fool" as I close the door. I hope that's his friend that he's talking to.



12:40pm-Manager finally calls me back in. He says, "Well". I tell him that they wasn't talking about him. He looks at me and says, "Thanks for nothing".


12:55pm- I am talking to a vendor that I have been trying to get in contact with for weeks. We need our pool supplies. Manager comes out of his office and he rudely cuts in my conversation with the pool vendor. He tells me that he now needs for me to give him driving directions from our office to a local Red Lobster Restaurant.



12:58pm-As my manager walks out of the office, two young gentlemen walk in. My manager stops them and demands to know what they are doing there. They tell him that they're looking for a 2 bedroom to rent.


1:00pm-One of the leasing agents helps the two gentlemen. Shows them our 2 bedroom apartment.

1:15pm- They apply for our 2 bedroom.


1:23pm-One of the leasing agents calls the manager to let him know that two applications are in our qualifying system and wants to discuss it, since he has finally approval. The two gentlemen want to move in the same day.


1:25pm-Leasing agent tells me that the manger wants to speak to me. I take the phone call. He ask me if its the same guys that he saw when he was leaving. "Yes" I say. He gets mad at me, and ask why would I have the leasing agent even waste his time by calling him. He denies the applications. He never asked about their credit or income. He never even asked their names.





2:00pm-Finally get to go to lunch. As I'm walking to my car, I get stopped by another resident. They have a complaint.... About my manager.



2:15pm-I get a call on my cell. My manager is not back yet, but he wants me to check his personal email to see if his rebate slipped came in. I tell him I'm at lunch. He hangs up in my face.


2:51pm-My manager calls me again on my cell to see if I'm back from lunch. I tell him I left a 2:00pm. He ask if I'm near a computer. "No" I tell him. At least he says "fine" before he hangs up on me.


3:00pm-My manager calls. He demands that I check his email now. I do. Tell him that I do not see any rebate form. He yells something rude and hangs up.

3:00-5:48pm-I'm in auto pilot mode. I finish all my reports.


5:50pm-My manager walks back in...from lunch. He calls one of the owners. I overhear him tell the owner that he was busy walking the property all day and that he got all the reports done. Snaps his fingers at me. I hand him over the reports....... that I spent the day working on.. The same report that he just took credit for!




5:55pm-I'm about to walk into his office. I'm going to finally do it. I'm going to QUIT!! I have my list of things to get off my chest. I'm about to let him know how I really feel about him and this job. I feel like a pit bull, ready to attack.



5:57pm-As I'm walking into his office, my cell rings. Another collector. I do an "about-face" and walk right back out of his office. I suddenly turn into an submissive puppy.



6:00pm-I'm locking the front door to the office. A resident comes running up. Tells me that they have a package that they need to get.


6:02pm-The manager walks out as we're walking back in. He looks as me, and tells me that he is not approving this overtime while rolling his eyes. The resident shakes his head at him. He doesn't like my manager either.


6:10pm-Finally, I'm on my way home. I try not to think about my job while I'm driving home. I keep an eye out for "Miss I'm Going to Cut You Off Because I'm an Old Driver". I'm almost sad that I don't see her.


6:30pm-Walk in the front door of my apartment. In my mind, I'm greeted with a husband or live in boyfriend. He has our dinner ready, and the tub filled with bubbles. Instead, I'm greeted with a quiet, empty, lonely apartment.




6:35pm-Call my mother in the Midwest because I know if I don't report in at a certain time, she'll have the police, fire department, FBI, CIA and the First Lady at my door, looking for me.

6:45pm-Sit on my couch and let my mind not think for a few minutes.

6:46pm-Laugh at myself for thinking I can do that. I really need to google ADD. Turn on my computer. I need to blog about my day.

7:00pm-Computer is still booting up.



7:15pm-Still waiting on my computer. Go look in the fridge for something to eat. "Damn, pay day is still another 4 days away". Peanut butter and jelly will have to do.


7:17pm-Realize I don't have any bread. So, I am eating peanut butter and jelly on a hot dog bun. I'm so proud of myself!!


7:20pm-Computer finally starts up, but then shuts down by itself.


7:35-Try to start the computer again. It sounds like it might work this time.




7:45pm-Run across an old pay stub from when I had a career. "I used to make good money" I scream out. I'm briefly contemplating jumping out the window of my 3rd story apartment. I realize that its not high enough, and I don't have health insurance.And, I'm sure that my manager will never give me the time off to heal in the hospital.



8:00pm-Computer is finally working. Start blogging. Computer crashes after an hour of writing. Nothing got posted. A single tear falls down my cheek.


9:05pm-Give up on writing, and finally take a shower. Wash a few dishes.


10:00pm-Talk to a few friends to vent about my day. They laugh. Thinks its funny and cute when I get mad. That makes me madder.




11:00pm-Watch some TV. Fantasize for awhile about what it'll be like to have a different life.


12:15am-Finally drift off to sleep.


2:00am-Body wakes me up. I can rarely sleep during the night.


3:00am-Wondering what bill I can go without paying so that I can get this must have item that I see on this infomercial.

3:05-Realize that I can't even afford to eat, let along purchase something from an infomercial.




4:00am-Beg my body to fall asleep.

4:35-Finally fall asleep.

6:45am-Cell phone alarm goes off.Try to press the snooze button. Touch screen freezes up again.

Ok, I know my life isn't that interesting. At least you have a little bit more understanding of why it takes me so long to post blogs. If I could, I would do at least one everyday. Hopefully, one day, I'll be able to afford a good laptop that actually works. Well, let me stop. My laptop is actually working OK right now. Thank God for small favors.